CUNT PASTE ZINE INTERVIEW
CUM SWALLOWERS LEAVE THE HALL!
R. Hello Mr CUNT! What has happened in your fukked world lately? Enough juice and plastic cunts to satisfy your happy needs?
Salut Madmane. Things are shit with me, my tape deck is bust, a few packages have gone missing or been split in the post and I’ve failed all the job interviews. Hopefully it’s not possible to fail this one too!
was your fanzine created, what where the first names, and did you
already take part in other zines before the first cremations?
I can’t remember
when Cunt Paste started, probably around the middle of 2006, but
the idea to start a zine was there long before. It was started basically
after reading zines like Desecration of Virgin, Leather and Spikes,
Hellpike etc, and finding that there was no similar printed material
to read in the UK at the time (even you Frenchies have more zines
than us!), plus to be a bit of a fanboy and send questions to the
bands I liked. Initially it was called Cunt n Paste, but I dropped
the ‘n’ when I realised Cunt Paste was an anagram of Cut n Paste
(even if only one letter is moved). Nope, I lost my virginity to
the zine in three ways – by being the first magazine I had written
material for, by rolling it into a tube and fucking it slowly, whilst
the third way is a deep secret, far too unsuitable for revealing
on your modern webzine! (if you had it printed on an ancient papyrus
scroll with a free lighter, it would be a different case!) But I
can reveal it involves standing on your head for hours on end, and
P. Apparently you don't receive too many promos, I'm not sure if some "dead-serious-and-pro-as-(no)fuck" labels would like to send their stuffs to a zine called CUNT N PASTE Ahah. I guess it's a volunter choices, isn't it? I imagine you prefer to order a lot of items everywhere, to then choose the worst from the worst and finally write reviews about whatever the famous intense deeps laziness leads you to! How long (Months? Years?) does a demo need to macerate on the (1 meter?) pile of boring demos to finally speak to your keyboard? (Plus: Do you write everything on the computer directly, or do you prefer to write everything by hand before). Tell us about your working strategies and other lazy zinemaker things...
being told to do more to support the underground, and the best way
to do so is to ignore the shitty promos. Luckily I’m not on certain
promotion teams mailing lists, so I don’t get too many of them.
True, it does mean that the zine is always going to be not so fresh
against the latest happening in the funderground and is somewhat
one dimensional in the material covered, but against the internet,
you can never win (pay for all your sins). Better to concentrate
on making it interesting to read than to fill it with all the ‘latest
exclusives!’ This isn’t fucking Hollywood now (even if some bands
get the idea they belong there…).
ANTIVAGINA ASSAULT #1! PASTE IT EVERYWHERE.
O. Your funzine's state of mind is in the fukked up world of underground deviances, as well as many black metal zines, but it's a bit different because you don't hesitate to insert some funs and jokes deep in the cunt, and sometimes I feel like the graphix and other stuffs remind me some SADISTIK EXEKUTION mixed with the gaskmask power (And not powder... Black powder might not be toxic enough, even if it can make you sniff your noze) with some taste for the 'correctly' written old english of some sort... What are the perfect potions to create a new (t)issue of the cunt and is it always good to shake the cunt with a lot of milk and honey? How would you define the state of mind of your zine and how would you try to sell it to the crow, underlying some differences and qualities?
I’m not sure
about gasmasks… For a start my head won’t fit in one! I always find
the goats in gasmaks artwork amusing though, gasmasks essentially
came into metal through the sexual bondage and latex fetish scenes
(much in the same way as Rob Halford and his studded leather). But
in connection with goats, wouldn’t this suggest that many of these
bands have a gimped up goat locked in their basement, tied up in
preparation for a taste of their ‘vibrator hammer’…?
N. Each of you issues contains quite a lot of black metal, which isn't especially a good thing if you ask me! How do you explain the fact I read and distribute each of your issues? Did you inject nice hormons of the dead in each pages, or fuck? Would you rather say CUNT'N PASTE is rather a black metal, death metal, old school zine, or a bit of all that? And now, what is NOT a part of C'N'P?
There is a
bit of Black Metal, but not really that much. I’m primarily interested
in the old Suda American deathrash scene around Belo Horozonte,
but most of these bands have split up or turned to shit, and there
aren’t too many others like this today (Anal Vomit, Grave Desecrator,
I have no idea what became of Goat Semen or Diabolic Force though…)
so I have to fill the zine out with a few other genres. The majority
featured could possibly be termed ‘old school’, but I’m more interested
in honesty, atmosphere and creativity than ‘originality’. I can
only presume you read it in the hope that there is a Venga Boys
feature later in the magazine. I’ll be sure to include a Hanna Montana
double page spread poster in the next issue just for you (I’ll have
to wait till she’s a bit older looking though. Best not to go down
the Traci Lords road…)
mean the fall of the majesty trousers? They wouldn’t be very happy
if a beggar was to attack them with his limp cock, showering them
with his flaky semen in the same way as a snow machine, staining
the golden trousers with foul smelling foam now would they? And
all the scabby man wanted was for you to knead his swollen balls.
L. I have a question (Yes! A question in an interview!!) about the way you write reviews: How do you find the ideas and whole conclusions about the items you will talk about? Do you generally need to headbang like a madman until the morbid ideas mix enough in your head to finally stabilizate and get clear enough? Do you need to wank your hellish cock like a voravious madman until the right ideas and necro inspiration awakes and ejaculates on paper as the first day of all orgasms? FUKK FUKK FUKK?
I view the
reviews in a similar way to the ‘sexual contacts’ pages in the newspaper
– if one of the names doesn’t catch your attention, then move on
and look for another! There are always certain sections that will
interest you more than others, skip over the gay section, those
from women aged 20-40 don’t sound too exciting either, maybe ring
a few from the ‘Alt und Heiss’ section for later, ah!!! Here we
are, the bestiality section! Let’s see, ‘Dog seeks young fun-loving
man to settle down and raise a family with’… No, no, no, this won’t
do, I’m ‘No stayer’ after all! How about this ‘Mole-rat interested
in creating a Hybrid Race of sub-humans to rule the earth’, yes
this is more in my league! ‘After crossing the human and mole-rat
DNA, we will block out the sunlight using our giant intergalactic
umbrella, killing off all life on the surface. We will then descend
to the centre of the earth and dwell in our underground bunker beneath
the town of Bognor Regis’.
K. Did you notice headbanging during gigs might be better to stabilizate some morbid ideas, at least better than at home because you have more space to move and then to explore new dimensions... But, did you try to headbang in certain particular places and maybe noticed an improvement of the said stabilization?
Have you ever noticed the
number of people that refuse to headbang at gigs? Upon interrogating
one of these flaccid members, they claimed they wanted to remain
in control of their actions, and that it was against their principles.
But is music not a form of escapism? And are rituals not for of
losing control through a series of conscious shocks? To realise
that there is no such thing as free will? I wish they could answer,
rather than continually saying ‘it’s too personal to go into’… Or
am I becoming too far fetched now? (I’m always getting my yogi breath
mixed up with bad breath…)
J. I read you print all your zines on your own printer... But it must cost a lot of money! It might be the most expensive solution if I'm not inside-out wrong... According to the current prices of ink, you might even need to buy a new printer each time for the same price... And your zine isn't particularly small! Well, how many ink cartridges did you kill to release an issue and how many copies did you make of each?
Yes, all were made at home 100% DIY! Admittedly I’m likely to have the next issue printed semi-professionally (Xeroxed middles with a glossy cover – like Morbid Tales #5 or Death Execution), but the main reason for doing the first couple at home was just to build up some experience with creating the layouts, building up more contacts, and getting better at writing the reviews and interviews before trying anything too ambitious. Quite often I see zines burn their motivation out after only 3 issues (sometimes they can’t even manage to make 1!) because they set their expectations too high. First issues are always going to be full of mistakes, so why get them professionally printed, with adverts and promo CDs from the start? Who would want to buy a poorly written rag priced at the €5-8 region, regardless of if it feels nice to your fingers? (unless people only buy them for glossy toilet paper?) I lost a bit of money on the first issue, mainly on postage, but nothing major. The second one is breaking about even, it only costs about £1 to make them anyway.
I. How many cunties of (t)issue one did you spread between the legs of the underground? How many of the first shot, and then of the second shoot? Your issues rather ejaculate in which kind of cuntries? Do you have regular cumswallowers (Better said, "readers" Ah Ah Ah) or most didn't come back? (Bad semen, maybe?) What's the best way to inseminate a zine in the ass of the underground in 2009? Distros? Email adverts? Reviews in other zines/ webzines? Adds on forums? Which cum-solution proved to be the most fascinatingly inseminating between your two legs? Do you use flyers, and do you cover them with your own shit to attract the attention of the flies (aka "filthy readers" Ah Ah)? (Yes, we're in 2009 and blood isn't enough to attract the attention of readers... Sad but true: ONLY THE SHIT IS REAL!)
The first issue
sold just under 150 copies, whilst the second has already sold that
in 5 months, hopefully I can sell the full 250 by the end of this
year. I couldn’t sell the first issue outside of Europe as it weighed
too much. They sell mainly in old Europe, France, Germany, Spain,
etc, with a few going east towards Poland and Greece. Mostly they’re
just traded or sent to distros, as tapes and CDs are better currency
than £$€. The plan is to eventually be selling around 500-750
copies, and to have our own section in all the trendy coffee shops.
It was more
of a joke against a mixture of the zines that feel compulsed to
give away free CDs for every issue, as well as the rising ‘Die hard
editions’ in the underground. I can respect the special edition
for older established bands who’ve developed a fanbase over the
years, but why have these limited gimmicks for new bands? Why would
I want the special edition for a newly released album – which I’ve
yet to actually hear? So, for these reasons, I gave away my underwear.
In the end, only three pairs went out, they were supposed to have
iron-on designs, but I never got round to it. And the slinky thongs
I bought mysteriously vanished…hmmm…
G. England is known for being a good place to work, because the monthly cash is quite good, and it's apparently a very active country... But, what's your opinion about it from the "Inside" (Yes, I know you're from Ireland, but forget your roots for a minute)? Is it good or not to live in a so big mix of different cultures? Does it help the scene in any way on a musical point of view? And is england quite opened on a musical point of puke or not ("Shocking!")? After all the conservative view of old england (Shocking!) still might be very present (Shocking!), under a light surface of open-mindedness (SHOCKIIIINNNGGG!!!!)
certainly helps with the metal, the English are a bunch of stuck
up, arrogant, ignorant, apathetic, insular pricks! The best place
(only?) to see a band at the moment is down in London, which is
hardly the most pure-bred city in the country. And the only people
that seem to turn up at these gigs are the Polish fuckers anyway!
So if anyone wants to come over here, shit on the country, fuck
the women and rape the culture, that’s fine with me, I’ve had enough
of Morris dancers, cricket and scones already!
F. What are you doing in real life? During some cyber sex scene you told me about some english-english stuffs related to the english tongue in itself (Might be easier to swallow the tongue in your mother-tongue, don't you think?) but you were making quite strange noises with your mouth (I was maybe a bit too seriously in the insemination héhé) and so didn't understand every word correctly... If I'm not wrong you're working as a translator or something like that. Isn't it too painfull to read the fanzines from abroads, comming from peoples who don't speak english very well, when you have apparently a good mastering of the tongue? (Yes, swallowing many bitches' tongue can help to master the tongue). What are your feelings about the average english level of funzining? What is the worst country for that?
sexual thrustings may have turned out to be too harsh, I think I
might have bashed you brains out with the rotating mouse balls.
I’m not involved in language at the moment, nor interested in studying
it either (I hope you didn’t confuse my face with one of you cyber
E. If your fanzine wasn't a cunt what would it be?
An earwig. Or possibly a tennis shoe.
D. If you weren't a cunt, could you paste your cock on the xerox-machine to make multiple dick-copies and paste it everywhere in your town? "VOTE FOR THE CUNT!!"
I’ve already done that for the local bi-elections. In fact I even tried to tattoo Vote for the cunt onto my cock during the Xeroxing process, but there just wasn’t enough space to ink, so only managed to fit on ‘VOT’. The worst thing is, every time I see a call girl now, they demand I pay them extra for the VAT.
C. Few years ago you told me about your music project SEX OFFENDER... Was something recorded finally?
In short, NO.
B. This is the merchandising question: Sell your cunts and all merchandising shits (Cuntshirts, Hoodie cunts, Casket cunts, Condom cunts...)
We have Cunt Paste Spokey Dokes, Cunt Paste inflatable dinghies, Cunt Paste toothbrushes (for the Extreme Cold Weather!), even Cunt Paste paste, but they’re all limited to one edition, which is mine. If you still want to buy anything after reading through all this crap, issue #2 Fukked (60 A5 pages, w/ CEMETERY URN, CACODAEMON, IRONFIST, AQUER, DECEPTOR, ODIUM and SADOMATOR) is £1 plus postage. Issue #1st strike is deadly (100 A5 pages, w/ WEAPON, GOAT SEMEN, NECROVATION, BLASPHEMOPHAGHER, BESTIAL RAIDS, AYAT, EVILE, ENVENOM, DESECRATION, MORBID YELL, MARTYRVORE and LEVIFER) is £2 and a pain to print. Issue #3rd Warning isn’t out yet, but will be ready somewhere between May and September, depending on how things go.
A. If you still have some semen in stock, feel free to regurgitate here, and tell us more about your future inseminations, fuck-free-zone-parties, glory hole decapitation and such... Cunty cunty patch. Cunty cunty patch... Cheers from the underwears!
I think I’ve
sprayed you with enough semen already. I’m sure you don’t want to
be mistaken for a Black metaller either…